- I have road rage, there I said it. That wont be a surprise to any of you that have cris-crossed America's highways and byways with me. I am working on it folks so bear with me. This is not confession time on the blog.
I prefer the term offensive driver I'ts true that when you learned to drive you probably learned to be a defensive driver. And while it's fine for most of you to be in the fetal position on the road, some of us have to be on offense. Think of it like a football game; you can have a great defense, but if you don't score you're still going to lose. Which means some of us have to be aggressive to lead the rest of you to victory; or wherever you are heading. What does that look like on the road you may ask. Well for one, if I come up behind you in the fast lane kindly move to the right and let me pass. Or if I am at a light that has two turn lanes and one line is shorter that's the one I you will find me in. And if that means I have to cut in front of you after we turn to get into Costco then so be it. Do you want us all to use one lane when two are provided? I do understand that profiling people isn't "PC" anymore, but please understand that if you're driving a "granny" car like Buick or a Taurus I will probably pick you out of the herd to take advantage of. Please don't be upset, think of it as me leading you.
Some exciting news is that I am proud to announce that I have introduced a bill in the Senate to require employers to excuse any and all absences by those of you that are unable to drive in the snow. Just think, no longer will you have to clog the roads with your white-knuckle, sphincter-gripping attempts to get to work. You will be able to stay home in your PJs and watch Netflix while the rest of us can function properly on the highways. Please understand however that part of the bill authorizes the police to issue you a citation if you venture out and cause an accident or slow the rest of us down because you're from Texas and never learned to drive in the snow.
-It's unconfirmed at this point but I am beginning to think that high-waters are slowly gaining acceptance in this great nation. Understandably that statement probably causes a physical reaction in you. If you grew up in the 70's 80's or 90's then I am sure you understand why that comes as such a shock. As a kid during that area it was unthinkable to leave the house without the top of your shoes covered by your jeans. Most would chose death rather then face the ridicule of one's peers for the sin of high-waters.
Well in the last month or two I have seen three different examples of kids in public rocking high waters. And not little kids that grow an inch a month mind you, high school kids. When I brought this up to my wife she tried grilling me to see if I had mistook this social moray for carpri's. I assured her that since I was not at Home Depot in Boulder that there was no way I was mistaken. She then went with the whole "well everything comes back in style eventually" routine. To which I was quick to respond that high waters had never been in style so they were not eligible for a comeback a la parachute pants.
Before you panic about this development please understand that these could have just been anomalies that I observed so this might not be a real trend. We can only hope!
-Over the last couple weeks I have been working along a golf course. I'ts been covered with snow most of the time as you can imagine however lately we have been enjoying lovely weather and the course is being played. What I can't figure out is how so many people can play golf on a Monday. Sure old guys can always play, and Fridays are fair game for everyone to play hooky, but Monday? What kind of job or lack thereof do dudes my age have that allows them to play golf? Sure I am jealous working my ass off on a deck while people play through. I don't know whether to go Donald on these guys and call them soft/losers, or to channel Bernie and assume they are bankers that are stealing from the rest of us. It has to be part of the fraying of our nation for guys under 65 to be golfing on a Monday. Oh and one almost hit me with a ball during lunch!
- Stephen Curry is a robot that somehow snuck into the NBA and is now ripping the hearts out of every American city. And to think that my Knickerbockers missed him by one pick in the draft and took a scrub that isn't even in the league still. #pain
-Mr Money Mustache is well... I don't know. Read the piece on him in the latest New Yorker (newyorker.com/mr-money-mustache-the-frugal-guru) and like me you may struggle to define him. I can't tell if he is really cool or a complete douche. I do know I will never be able to pull off his lifestyle, I have a thing for shoes that would complicate matters.
- Speaking of the Knicks, lets end this on a good note: Kristaps Porzingis. Yes I have a man crush on the Knicks' rookie forward! Yes the plan is to take the nephews to their first NBA game when my team invades our fair city. And yes The Zinger has a funny name. So here are my attempts at nicknames for the big fella that I plan to prod two kids into yelling at the game.
The Latvian Longballer, Bloc Party, Albino Ewing, Lights out Latvia, Euromazing, Stick 6, Kristmas, Porzin(Poison)
Yeah I know they're lame.
Thanks I feel Better now!
-Over the last couple weeks I have been working along a golf course. I'ts been covered with snow most of the time as you can imagine however lately we have been enjoying lovely weather and the course is being played. What I can't figure out is how so many people can play golf on a Monday. Sure old guys can always play, and Fridays are fair game for everyone to play hooky, but Monday? What kind of job or lack thereof do dudes my age have that allows them to play golf? Sure I am jealous working my ass off on a deck while people play through. I don't know whether to go Donald on these guys and call them soft/losers, or to channel Bernie and assume they are bankers that are stealing from the rest of us. It has to be part of the fraying of our nation for guys under 65 to be golfing on a Monday. Oh and one almost hit me with a ball during lunch!
- Stephen Curry is a robot that somehow snuck into the NBA and is now ripping the hearts out of every American city. And to think that my Knickerbockers missed him by one pick in the draft and took a scrub that isn't even in the league still. #pain
-Mr Money Mustache is well... I don't know. Read the piece on him in the latest New Yorker (newyorker.com/mr-money-mustache-the-frugal-guru) and like me you may struggle to define him. I can't tell if he is really cool or a complete douche. I do know I will never be able to pull off his lifestyle, I have a thing for shoes that would complicate matters.
- Speaking of the Knicks, lets end this on a good note: Kristaps Porzingis. Yes I have a man crush on the Knicks' rookie forward! Yes the plan is to take the nephews to their first NBA game when my team invades our fair city. And yes The Zinger has a funny name. So here are my attempts at nicknames for the big fella that I plan to prod two kids into yelling at the game.
The Latvian Longballer, Bloc Party, Albino Ewing, Lights out Latvia, Euromazing, Stick 6, Kristmas, Porzin(Poison)
Yeah I know they're lame.
Thanks I feel Better now!
Me too! Some real entertaining reading:). I vote Euromazing...that's creative! Kathy
ReplyDeleteJust read Scott your blog to have a good laugh since I drive a Buick and he use to be one of those guys out of work people looked at wondering what it was he did to be able to retire so young! He agrees you are a very entertaining writer to read!:)
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