Now What- Where I Am From, Part Three

Dear Gentle Reader,

It is difficult and potentially life changing for me to explore the topic of where I come from.  I know that the interweb is monitored for content related to "the sect" and that content deemed negative can result in unwanted attention.  For that reason I have chosen to not include the names of any people associated with this story, or to name "the sect" outright.  Please understand that my relationship to some members of my immediate family could be effected by the way in which this piece is spread online. Many of you have heard or lived this story in your own life or because we have been BFF's for long enough for me to open up and tell it to you.  It has been 18 years since I got on a Greyhound bus to start a new life and I have been through many different stages in my relationship with the group I am calling The Sect .   I have gone from having season tickets on the bitter bus to who gives a damn and everywhere in between.  In the last couple years I have been slowly learning that my life does not need to be colored by or remotely controlled by a group of people that choose to live very differently than the rest of us.   It's still not easy to write this piece so thanks for reading and for respecting the lives of those involved!
-Marvin

 If you missed the first and second installment in this series you can catch up here:

Where I Am From-Part One

Where I Am From-Part Two

The other day I was listening to a "best of" podcast of Teri Gross interviewing a series of famous authors on her show Fresh Air. (do yourself a favor folks!) One of her chats was with John Updike, who in the middle of their conversation casually mentioned that people don't really like hearing about other's families.  If that's true its clear that this series has gone on long enough and I had better slam the door on this baby. I have had the nagging feeling of late that too much of my life is lived through a lens that somehow ties everything back to "The Sect". Some of that is natural I am sure since we all view our daily experiences through the filter of our past experiences. For example;  I lived in Appalachia for four years so much of my view of poverty comes from that time. And I am a sucker for misty mountain valleys and bluegrass.   Another part I believe is that it's a very unique background which tends to start and consume a lot of conversations with new people I connect with.  Whatever the reason I am sick and tired of being defined by that past!  As I mentioned in part two I have now lived more then half of my life outside The Sect, so does that mean that the lens with which I view life is starting to shift?

In my family I am the oldest of six.  Four of us kids have jumped that gap between the two bridges and are living "normal" lives.  I have two sisters that said "I do" to life as members of The Sect.  I think they are relatively happy with the choice they made, in spite of the fact that both have discovered many of their passions since becoming members, and neither have good prospects for marriage or families.  One of the issues facing those who stay is that a much higher percentage of young men leave than do young women, which means that over time women who stay have a lower and lower chance of finding a spouse.  Once you hit thirty in that culture you're pretty much toast in that department, which is true for my sisters, and makes me sad.  I also believe that they signed up for membership before discovering that they had interests and/or skills that they developed that are not part of what it means to be a cog in the system and therefore have not been allowed to blossom.  One of my sisters is a nurse who would love to work in a third world country or low income clinic somewhere but she gave up the freedom to make that happen.  Connected to that is one of my biggest beefs with The Sect.  I believe that they use revivals or awakenings to get young people to stay. What do I mean by that?  Well I believe both of my sisters made the lifetime commitment to join largely because they were not presented with other options and they got caught up in a good old case of peer pressure masquerading itself as a spiritual renewal. I do not mean to discount someones else's spiritual walk however I have witnessed the kind of push that young people face when that snowball starts rolling down hill. Before you know it many of your peers have made a public declaration of desire for membership and the spotlight is trained on you.  Its a tough spot to be in.

Note: I have been working on this piece for a little while which means life circumstance can change right in the middle.  Today my parents are on a plane to Australia where a satellite group of The Sect is located, and where my sister has been living for the past 8 years or so.  It appears from the intel floating around and the hints my dad has been dropping that my sister has found a man.  No one will come out and say that for sure which is typical of The Sect.  They are very hush-hush about things like who is dating or pregnant.  In my family for instance all but one of my siblings just magically came along one day.  The only one that we knew about was the youngest because of the wide age range.  So it appears as if my sister is getting married but us outsiders will not be invited. My guess is we will get a letter(yes snail mail) from her and whomever this dude is announcing their marriage . That's how it goes.

People ask me all the time when I knew that I did not want to be there.  Honestly I can't say I ever made that decision, at least consciously.  My subconscious may have been doing its thing starting around age fifteen or sixteen when I started to understand how the system worked.  But even after I left on the Greyhound for California and started to slowly figure out how to live life on the outside there was never a time when I said "no" out loud.  I believe it was that figuring out life, friends, work, having a bank account, a car, and falling in love that slowly pulled me away until it the cord snapped. Getting married was the final straw since its unreasonable and unheard of to expect your spouse to make that kind of life change.

My relationship over the years with my family on the inside has been tumultuous.  Early on they played the tough love card on me by refusing to allow me to visit.  At the time that was hurtful, but it may have also helped make that unspoken cutting of the apron strings happen.  Since then we have had some really good interactions, some ships passing in the night kind of communication and some hard talks.  As my other siblings have left my folks have gotten as used to the situation as I think they can.  I often forget that as weird as it is to relate from the outside in, it must be really hard to have the majority of your kids living in a different world than you do.  This summer at my siblings'weddings we were able to spend extended time together outside The Sect which is a rare blessing.

For me the only pill left that is hard to swallow is the fact that my family members on the inside see their fellow Sect members as more of a family than their blood relations.  When the important and/or special moments in life happen they want to be with the group.  Be it birth, marriage or death we all want to be with those we feel like family with.  That's a tough realization to come to as a kid who chose the other bridge.  So as my parents get older and my siblings get married and have families of their own the next few years are going to be interesting...on both bridges.