The Plunge - Where I Am From, Part Two

Dear Gentle Reader,

It is difficult and potentially life changing for me to explore the topic of where I come from.  I know that the interweb is monitored for content related to "the sect" and that content deemed negative can result in unwanted attention.  For that reason I have chosen to not include the names of any people associated with this story, or to name "the sect" outright.  Please understand that my relationship to some members of my immediate family could be effected by the way in which this piece is spread online. Many of you have heard or lived this story in your own life or because we have been BFF's for long enough for me to open up and tell it to you.  It has been 18 years since I got on a Greyhound bus to start a new life and I have been through many different stages in my relationship with the group I am calling The Sect .   I have gone from having season tickets on the bitter bus to who gives a damn and everywhere in between.  In the last couple years I have been slowly learning that my life does not need to be colored by or remotely controlled by a group of people that choose to live very differently than the rest of us.   It's still not easy to write this piece so thanks for reading and for respecting the lives of those involved!
-Marvin

 If you missed the first installment in this series you can catch up here: Where I Am From-Part One


It's been two and a half months since I began for the first time to write about my life before the age of eighteen, and the murky waters of relating to that place ever since.   Its been an interesting summer in that regard to say the least.  And now I find myself in what I perceive to be a pretty good spot in my relationship to the family members still living in the alternate universe I am calling "The Sect".  That makes me question whether or not I want to poke the bear so to speak by writing more on that topic. My attempt in writing this is certainly not to push buttons back there, or to write wild tales to draw eye balls to this lowly blog.  The fact is that my life has been colored by where I grew up in a myriad of ways, most of which have been positive. And anyway, as my therapist says, I need to live my life now and not let the past always color the present and the future. Plus, how does the old saying go?  It's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.  In part one of this series I hinted at leaving home at eighteen.  Now I sit here as a 36 year old man and this June I passed the point at which half my life has been lived outside "The Sect".  I guess its time to acknowledge that I can't continue to look backward and measure everything about who I am on the fact that I grew up on that old bridge, and now call the freeway home.

I like the bridge analogy when comparing life in and out of the "The Sect".  It's an apt tool for helping outsiders who are scratching their heads and trying to understand what life is like on the inside.  The key thing to remember is that things tend to go through a kaleidoscope of sorts between both different worlds and can change or be interpreted very differently on both sides. Something as simple as a picture that seems completely innocuous on the outside can cause a raucous on the inside.  I once sent what I thought was a harmless picture of some of my family on the outside to some members on the inside that depicted my future sister in law sitting on my brother's lap.  All hell broke loose!  It's that whole two bridges metaphor I wrote about in part one. One bridge is a six lane freeway, while the other is an 1800's horse and buggy carrier.

The biggest stumbling block about "The Sect" for everyday Americans is the way that the membership buy into the idea that the group and its needs always trumps the desires of the individual. That means that where you live, what you do, who you marry, and even if you have cancer treatments or not, are all decisions that put the group first.  That sounds crazy to someone used to deciding those things for themselves.  Earlier this summer I shared a hotel room with my brother in Utica, NY.  We were both exhausted after red eye flights and our little brother's wedding, but time together always beats sleep.  At one point he said something that has resonated with me since.  It was something to the effect that yes "The Sect" is a cult, but it has to be in order to continue to survive or thrive.  Tight control by leadership and complete surrender to the cause raises red flags for outsiders.  But for folks on the inside, strong leadership and complete selflessness are essential to the group success.  Which when you don't make a dime of income or have health insurance or retirement of your own,  it means personal success as well.  If you are going to buy into that system you had better jump in with both feet because being part of the group is the only way to make it work.

So why do people choose to live that way?  And why would anyone who as an eighteen year old and has the ability to opt out choose to make a lifetime commitment to living on Mars?  That is probably a question best asked to someone who took that plunge. But I think the answer is two fold. One, we all crave community of some kind in our life and being part of such a tight knit group has an incredible pull.  I believe that people get hooked on the deep sense of unity among the members and can't imagine life without it.  To be sure, being separated from that is really hard and is one of the things that kids who leave struggle to fulfill in their lives.  The other reason I think people stay is that if you're willing to live life without making any of your own choices then life can be pretty sweet, if by sweet you mean living on the covered bridge.

As I mentioned earlier, members do not make an income of any kind and do not receive health insurance or retirement benefits.  But they can count on having work (hopefully meaningful), an apartment, two and a half great meals a day, free medical care (as long as the group comes first) and a really nice place to grow old and be cared for. Plus if you're a man you get a pick of the available ladies (to marry) and a male dominated society in which to be manly.  As married members you're going to have kids, assuming you can and they are going to be essentially raised by others from six weeks to twelfth grade.  You don't have to make hard choices about where to live for good schools, saving money for college educations, weddings, retirement, car payments etc.  Everything down to what you wear is planned for you and put in motion each day, from someone doing your laundry, watching your kids, cooking your meals, and paying your bills.  You my friend just have to make sure you're at the factory at 7:30 each morning.  I think that's a big reason why people stay.  Hold on, before you sell all your belongings (required) and buy a plane ticket to New York let me be a voice of reason.  Remember that whole group think thing?  Well it's powerful and not unlike a giant series of cog wheels all synchronized perfectly to create order.  And those cogs have made a lifetime commitment to each other to keep the machine working.  That means no family vacations to Yellowstone, no Mets games at Citi Field, and no deciding you like to try being a snow bird in Florida and escape those Mid Atlantic winters.

As I mention in the opening, I am a little unsure in how to proceed in telling this story.  You see, this summer two of my siblings that are not part of "The Sect" got married.  Which usually means that all the family members that like each other will be in attendance right?  That fact is not written in pen if your parents and some of your siblings are part of "The Sect".  Remember that they have no money for plane tickets or rental cars.  And that they have decided to put the group first which means that the group's needs come first before those of your kids who have left home.  However, in this case, my parents and sister were able to attend both nuptials which was a blessing to my family at large.  Letters were written to leadership and my parents and one sister had cars, flights and hotel rooms set up for them. One of my sisters is a member of "The Sect" and lives in one of their groups in Australia.  Her coming was unfortunately too much to ask.

It was really good to spend time with my folks for a few days on the freeway; that bridge most of us call life.  It's a bit of a dance for both parties but worth the effort. Seeing my parents getting to be grandparents to their nieces that live on this bridge is amazing.  Turns out that I am a sucker for nieces myself!

Next time on Two Bridges - Having family in and out