Number 12 Versus The 12th Man

Just in time for the Super Bowl (no NFL, you get nothing from me for that mention) we present ten reasons why the New England Patriots are better than the Seattle Seagulls.

1. New England- Fall colors, Harvard, seafood not thrown at you, "Marky" Mark Walberg, MIT, Becon Hill, Fenway Park, Chawdahedz, The Boston Tea Party.  Stop me when you've heard enough reasons why the Boston area mops the floor with Seattle.  "Go pahk the cah in the Hahvahd yahd."

2. The Salute By The End Zone Militia- By far the coolest post touchdown celebration in the league is the End Zone Militia!  Each time the Pats score, a group of dudes wearing Paul Revere era gear fire off their black powder rifles in concert.  It sure beats stealing a college's 12th man thing like Seattle did from Texas A&M.

3.  Gronk- Checking in at 6' 6" and 265 pounds Rob Gronkowski is the real Beast Mode! The Patriot tight end is like a man playing with boys.  Oh and he is a fellow New Yorker and has been know to like dance parties.  Try tackling him after he catches the ball over the middle and you will be in pain! You're better off playing dance, dance revolution with him at Dave and Busters. Trust me, he's down.

4. The Hoodie-  Imagine you're in your car one day and a guy comes toward your window looking for a little change.  He is weathered, tired and seemingly grumpy. He is dressed in an old gray sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off  near the elbows.  Your heart goes out to him and so you begin to dig for your wallet or some change in your ash tray.  Just as you start to roll your window down the guy walks on down the sidewalk and you realize that he's not begging after all.  Ladies and Gentleman, the greatest football coach/evil genius known to man just walked by you in his lucky Patriots hoodie.  If this ever happens to you jump out of your car and run  to touch the sacred hoodie!  I am sure Bill Bilichick will not turn around like Jesus did because he felt power leave him.  No, Bill will turn and mumble something about f'ing off and shamble on.  You however will be blessed with twelve years of good luck after touching the hoodie.

5. Revis Island vs Sherman's Lagoon-  The Pats DB, Derrelle Revis, has made a career out of shutting down other team's best wide receivers.  Richard Sherman, defensive back for the the Seahawks, has made a living talking about being a shut down corner.  This weekend Rich should pay attention to Revis when he is on the sidelines.  Class is in session!

6. Pete Carroll's Hair- Look up used car salesmen, or greasy lawyer and you'll get the picture.  Pete's hair would make Joel Osteen blush!  Don't get me wrong, it's great hair but with hair that good you usually have a deficiency somewhere else in life.  Try watching preaching on TV and you'll know what I mean.

7. Flying Elvis- Take a closer look at the face on the Patriots logo; does it look like anyone in particular?  No one is for sure but the face on the end of the flying comet thing on their helmets looks an awful lot like Elvis.  Man, I bet the guy who designed the Tennessee Titans logo wishes he had thought of that.  The Seahawks' logo is meant to resemble a traditional Native American headdress. Cool yes, but not Elvis flying through space cool.

8. Weak Mode-  Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch has earned the moniker Beast Mode for the way he runs the ball.  He should be nicknamed Weak Mode for the way he runs his mouth.  Famously shy Lynch has become well know for answering questions from the media with short and repeated nonsense answers.  It was funny the first time Marshawn, but knock it off now! You get paid millions of dollars to play football and part of that means you are contractually obligated to talk to the press.

9.  Ya'll hate them- From SpyGate, to Deflategate and everything in between I understand why so many folks out there hate the Pats.  But guess what they thrive on that hate and are always pushing the envelope to be better.  Sometimes it's illegal (allegedly) like filming your teams practices, but some times its genius like throwing touchdowns to offensive lineman.  Hey its like old baseball men everywhere say, "if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'".

10.  Mr Tom Bleeping Brady-Enough said

Note 1.1

This doesn't mean we are picking the Pats to win "The Big Game" coming up; we don't want to jinks them. It also doesn't mean that we welcome your hate mail about Deflategate, the latest crap controversy about the team deflating the balls in their last playoff game. They would have crushed the Colts even if they'd been playing with a greased watermelon!

Note 1.2

This is an attempt at humor. Should you happen to be offended by this piece please lodge your complaint with our comments board.  If you are a Seahawks fan, my sister, or my sister a bandwagon Seahawks fan please accept my apology for taking shots at your town and your squad.

Enjoy the game!

Linkage

Most of you who know me or have been stuck sitting next to me at a dinner party know that I will invariably try to get you to read some book, or watch some documentary that's "amazing" or "dude you have to watch this" awesome.  Well the same holds true for the World Wide Web.  By the way, how amazing would it have been had Al Gore really invented the inter-web (Snopes ruined that one)? Well if we can't thank Al, maybe you can still be talked into wasting some perfectly good time surfing so that next time you're around me you can say "yeah man I am already a connoisseur".  Happy surfing!

bittersoutherner.com

Being a Yankee growing up in New York I learned very little about the South outside of the fact that we whacked them in the Civil War, and that they talk funny down there.  It turns out that the War Between the States was a little more complicated than that, and folks from my home state don't exactly have easy accents.  Now having lived in a couple different areas below the Mason Dixon line as an adult I have found myself somewhat fixated on the South.  The Bitter Southerner is the place to be online if you are a fellow explorer of that strange place down there that's part of us.  From food to music or from art to cultural flavor, it's easy to lose two hours of your life in a place like Mississippi.  The top story on the site this week just happens to be on the Carolina Chocolate Drops, an amazing old timey band most folks have never heard of.  Watching them open for Old Crow Medicine show in heavy rain at Red Rocks this summer was one of my highlights of the year.  Check out The Bitter Southerner and treat your ears to Old Crow and the 'Drops.

nytimes.com/upshot

Shortly after bucking all trends and predicting that President Obama would mop the floor with Mitt in the 2010 elections, Nate Silver decided to quit The New York Times and take his talents to ESPN. The Upshot is the Times' attempt to fill that hole, and I must say they have done rather nicely. Focused on data driven stories about economics, social programs and politics The Upshot is a fun place to get smarter online.  Make sure you dig a little and find some of the great interactive maps they produce on employment gaps, rising out of poverty and more.  If it sounds nerdy well then call me one.  I know we all have a tiny dude with a pocket protector and taped glasses in us somewhere.

lookingatappalachia.org

Having lived in "The deep dark hills of Eastern Kentucky" for four years I will always be in love with Appalachia.  It's a region of incredible beauty and not just in its blue hills. One man's vision to capture the region's diversity through the lens of the camera is Looking at Appalachia, the brain child of photographer Roger May (you can enjoy May's own work at rogermayphotography.com).  May created a space for photographers from different states in the Appalachian Region to share glimpses of their area.  Yours truly tried his hand with some submissions from a couple counties in New York that make the map. Alas my attempts are more worthy of this space than Looking at Appalachia, which is definitely worthy of your time.

Map: The Appalachian Region


brtom.typepad.com/wberry

OK so I have to admit something; I have a bit of a man crush on Wendell Berry.  Maybe it's more that I am pretty obsessed with his fine work, namely his poetry and fiction.  If you're like me, you probably know all about Br Tom's exhaustive recourse of all things Port William.  If not I highly recommend doing some digging here.  Actually if you're a Wendell Berry virgin (there are too many) get off the computer and read "Jayber Crow". Once that's accomplished you will understand, trust me. There is a rumor out there that yours truly once stalked Mr. Berry in his hometown of Port Royal, Kentucky. Those rumors are unsubstantiated.

fivethirtyeight.com

Nate Silver is a popular guy on this blog.  After quitting The Times, his new site FiveThirtyEight is on ESPN's platform.  Named for the number of electors in the United States Electoral College (don't ask), Silver's site focuses on sports and politics with an emphasis on polling.  On any given day you may find a poll suggesting that Mitt Romney has an empathy problem (he does) or a piece about the 80 people who have as much wealth as half the world.  Silver has hired some really bright contributors for this site.  Their stories are sure to make you a little wiser, or at least more annoying when you're spouting facts at the dinner table. Nerd Alert!

Stumbling and Bumbling

Update 10/19/15

Knicks Win, Knicks Win, the Knicks Win!! After a sixteen game losing streak the New York basketball debacle celebrated Martin Luther King's Birthday with a 'W. Its been a long time coming, they even went to London, England for a loss last week.  Oh and in other news; I procured my tickets to watch the blue and orange "tangle" with the Nuggets here in Denver in March.   Happy Birthday M.L.K!


I have a friend Dave who is a Jacksonville Jaguars fan (shout out Huffman).  Yes you did read that right; but before you feel too sorry for him please understand something.  He wasn't born in "The Bold New City Of The South." (seriously Jacksonville) No he actually picked the Jags as his team.  OK, now lets all take a moment to remember him in his suffering! The story I heard from him is that twenty years ago he was a kid growing up in California and the NFL started two new teams including the Jags.  For reasons that still aren't clear Dave decided to adopt one of the NFL's historically bad franchises as his squad, and I gotta say he has been faithful.  Folks, the Jags are so lame they make the Raiders seem functional. They have so few fans that they have to tarp off half of the stands at the stadium.  If football worked the way soccer did they would be demoted to the minors.  Did I mention Dave's loyalty?

Sitting here tonight I have the TV on in the background.  On the screen out of the corner of my eye the New York Knicks are melting down in Memphis against the Grizzlies.  The game is so lopsided that Walt Clyde Fraizer, the Knicks announcer, is using phrases like "matador defense" and calling the Grizzlies kleptomaniacs for all the steals they have tonight.  The Knicks are a dumpster fire, the kind you stare at out of fascination and horror. They are trying to win games this season, but are tied in wins (5) with a team that's told its fans they are actively trying to tank the season for a better draft pick.  Why am I watching this game, while the wife is persistently lobbying for Downton Abbey?  I am a die hard Knicks fan!

I grew up about an hour and a half from Madison Square Garden, home of the Knickerbockers.  As a kid we didn't have TV so I spent a lot of those cold winter New York nights living and dying with the Knicks on the radio.  Back then we were pretty good, but there was this guy around who kept stealing our glory.  I think his name was Michael or something like that, #23.  Since then its been year after year of misery punctuated by just enough hope to keep me flipping out at the players on the TV.

"And not only this but we should exult in our tribulations knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance  character; and character hope; and hope does not disappoint" Romans 5:4

I've got to admit; its so bad that I had a dream about the Knicks the other night.  I was in a gym picking teams for a game, and when it was my turn to pick shouted out gleefully "Andrea Bargnani."  For those of you who don't live and breath with the NBA's worst team I need to let you know that Andrea is a dude, and he's terrible!  A former number one pick he is perpetually injured and a giant (literally) disappointment.  OK back to that dream I was having.  I am standing on the court with my hands raised excitedly.  There was a 7' tall, European guy with a lady's name sitting in the bleachers among the kids.  I had spotted him before the other guy and pulled of a coup, but everyone in the gym was starring at me incredulously.  I want to believe its because they were so impressed with my move but really they were looking at me with a mix of shock and pity.  Its as if they were saying "Why would you draft Bargnani, he's a bust and always hurt".  Then I woke up. 

A couple days have passed and I am again watching my team shoot enough bricks to make Edgar Allen Poe bright eyed. The only thing that doesn't make me consider asking my wife to have me institutionalized is hearing Frazier say "Its so cold tonight in Washington that the politicians have their hands in their own pockets". I smiled momentarily.

Since they last played, the team has traded two of its better players, basically so that they don't have to pay them.  Oh, that team I mentioned, the 76ers who are actively trying to lose, well they won.  Which means we now own the worst record in the league. And today I read an article that argued that 13 other NBA teams have a better bench than the Knicks starters. Ouch!

Does the name Dennis Doyle mean anything to you?  I doubt it, but after I tell you his story you will think of him with pity.  See Doyle decided to take a year off work and spend around twenty grand of his own money attending every single 'Bockers game this season.  "Some people are born with autoimmune disorder and some are born Knicks fans" writes Doyle on his blog. " I choose the Knicks as much as I choose Hashimoto's disease."  Truer words were never spoken!  The season is half over now  and his writing has become increasingly depressing. Night after night of watching the Knicks get boat raced after taking a crappy flight to a place like Milwaukee or Cleveland will do that to you.  By the time the Knicks come to Denver in March Dennis Doyle may need an intervention.  Or at least a fellow sufferer like me to sit with him and watch our team suck in the mile high air.  Follow him at theoakmancometh.com.

"New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There's nothin you can't do
Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
These light will inspire you
Lets hear it for New York, New York, New York"
                                           -Empire State of Mind- Jay Z

Did I mention I am jealous of Dennis Doyle?

God'll Cut You Down, And The Rest Of My Year In Books

One of the reasons I started this blog was to spare you.  That is to spare you from my constant nagging about something amazing I read that you just have to read! I've decided to just do it all at once and give you a years worth of  badgering about my favorite books of 2014.

Notice you won't find any novels on my list of favorite books of 2014. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good novel, but who has time for a novel while we still have folks like John Krakauer and Malcom Gladwell.

C.S Lewis said "You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me"

Amen, and happy reading in 2015!


Five Days At Memorial - Sheri Fink

In the chaos of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, Memorial Hospital is trapped in rising water and with it hundreds of patients, staff, their families and pets. Days pass with no help as the generators fail, sewers back up and food runs out. Soon windows are smashed for fresh air, pets are euthanized and more desperate people arrive by boat. Five days later, by the time the last person is finally rescued, forty five patients are dead. Twenty three of the corpses show high levels of morphine and other drugs. Did they die because the machines that kept them alive quit, or did someone help them on their way? Is it homicide or did the staff do what they could in the middle of crisis? Fink's investigative writing style coupled with a story that won't disappoint makes this book one of my highlights of the year.  

The Boys In The Boat - Daniel James Brown

Written much like Laura Hillenbrand's amazing "Unbroken" this book captures many of the same themes of that time.  Nine boys become men as a crew team at the University of Washington in the years leading up to the 1936 Olympics.  Along with the likes of Lou Zamperini and Jessie Owens these nine men go to Germany to compete in Hitler's showcase of his "new Germany".  The book digs into the personal lives and backgrounds of this ragtag group of kids that mold into the single organism that makes a crew team special.  If you liked "Unbroken" this is a book for you.

Going Clear- Lawrence Wright

I love a good cult story!  If you find yourself in that category then this book will be one you can't put down.  Much like John Krakauer's deep look at Mormonism in "Under the Banner of Heaven" (a must read), Wright digs deep into The Church of Scientology.  He manages to weave together L. Ron Hubbard's beginnings of the group with modern day Hollywood and its ties to Scientology.  Power, mixed with religion and a dose of crazy always make for a great story, and this one does not disappoint.

Flash Boys- Michael Lewis

Michael Lewis is best known for his books turned movies "The Blind Side" and "Moneyball", about football and baseball respectively.  He has however written extensively on Wall Street's impact on the Great Recession of 2008.  His third book with that focus is "Flash Boys", a story about the race to get to our money faster and rip us off quicker.  It's a different book then most of us read to be entertained but he artfully manages to make what might seem like a mundane topic of high frequency trading into a "who done it" type mystery.


Little Failure- Gary Shteyngart

Probably the best book I read in 2014 "Little Failure" blew me away!  I thinks it is the incredible honesty with which Shteyngart tells his story.  Born a Russian Jew in Leningrad and immigrating to Queens in the middle of the cold war, Shteyngart tells a tale that is so raw, funny and poignant (sorry I couldn't help it) that you want to cry and laugh at the same time.  Do yourself a favor and read "Little Failure".


God'll Cut You Down- John Safran

What do you get when you mix rural Mississippi, a white supremacist, a young black man, murder and an Australian guy together?  You get "God'll Cut You Down", by far the most bizarre and fascinating book I've read in a while.  Mix in southern politicians, race baiting newspaper reporters, a few straight up crazy people and some rumors about sex and you've got yourself a book.  Safran's book will leave you shaking your head and wanting to take a road trip to the dirty south.


What have you read that you would bug me about over a beer?  Please! I need a reading list for the year ahead!